The divorce depleted me: mentally, emotionally, financially, materially, and even physically. If you’ve been following me, you know I have been recovering.
Maybe no one even knows that I am running on fumes, from looking at me. Most days.
And that is how it is supposed to be.
After leaving the marriage with only the clothes on my back, my daughter, and a large sack of random sundries — the reality is, two years later, I’m still figuring out how to begin “My Life Again”. This is a new revelation, mainly, because, this Father’s Day weekend I reached the finality of my depletion stage: the point where empty can’t feel any emptier and lack can’t feel any lonelier.
I didn’t know I hadn’t reached “E” yet. I was pretty sure I had.
I thought I was filling the tank back up! But, I am now mindful that I needed this particular lonely experience to grow me in my personal understanding a little bit more.
You see, Grace’s lively spirit is an Omni-presence!
therefore, my allowing of the “feeling” of emotional depletion is rare – it’s practically impossible when she does joyous things like this:
But being alone on this holiday, with no place to go and no one to do anything with, trying to find solace in loads of laundry, dirty dishes, and deck cleaning made me miss her more than usual.
I missed “Us”.
But mostly, I have discovered, I missed me.
“How are you doing?” friends and family often ask.
“I’m still trying to figure out how many potatoes to buy for just the two of us,” I jokingly respond.
But what I realized I am really saying in this fake ‘potato-scenario’ is: When I am alone, and everyone else is busy with the living of their own family lives (which exactly what you all should be doing) this single-mom-who-has-no-where-to-go asks herself , “Where do I go? What do I do? And who do I go with?”
Here’s my light bulb moment: I don’t care about the potatoes. Or, how much laundry needs folding. Or cleaning those day old dishes. These things I am using as a cover for my cold lack of going to lunch (or pilates) with me.
The funny – or not so laughable point – is that my inner being, upon waking on Sunday, Father’s Day morning, asked my outer being (we will call her ‘Pamela’ — because that is who she is) out on a hiking date. So, I didn’t HAVE to be lonely.
Inner being said, “Pamela, I am dreaming of a breezy hike at Maudslay State Park with you.”
And here is where the humor ends: Pamela stood her inner being up. Pamela really wanted to go. She wanted to see trees delicately move in the wind and the fingers of sunshine causing ripples on the river.
Pamela chose not to open the door when her inner being knocked.
And in this bottoming out, in this dramatic-loneliness-act, I was reminded of the Derek Walcott poem which says it best:
The time has come to greet inner-being-Pamela with elation, again. To drink with her the wine and eat the bread of life. Or in her case sip the steamy coffee and savor the fresh cookies!
To stop being her stranger. To give back to her ‘her’ heart. And to have the favor returned. The time has come to stop ignoring her.
This is the image of the woman I will “peel” off of the mirror…
I will give her the love letter stored on the bookshelf (it’s a juicy one!).
We will pour over the old photos.
We will laugh at the desperate notes of days past.
We will fall in love again… I am taking her to dinner.
And we will sit — but “Sit” is merely a suggestion! – Who can sit when we can bike ride, walk, swim, hike or down-ward dog as we FEAST on life?
I will love Pamela’s face (smile lines and all, I promise)
as much as I love Grace’s face:
And we will find “Love after Love”.
We will no longer be strangers wondering “What do we do? Who do we do it with?”
We will know the answers.
We will fill up the cup that is depleted with our FEAST on life!
We will start with dinner…
…Do you have any restaurant recommendations?
Blessings and peace,
p.s. Stay tuned for our summer adventures!